I haven't had a smoke in years, but I will catch a drag if you are smoking

 

My resolutions for 2015 are the usual:

Draw more, write more, take more pictures. Finish most, if not all the books I have bought over the past few years that I haven't read yet. This is a long list, and I would like to get through at least 50 books this year. Exercise 3x a week and generally be more active and healthier.

I have formed a few unhealthy habits. Ones I probably won't be able to break in 2015.

I think my biggest problem is coming back home for long periods for breaks and being overwhelmed from all the memories before college. I can't help but stay up too late listening to music, drawing, or reading, things I used to do often in high school. Just staying up late to think. Mostly about old friends, what ifs.

I need to make more time for things I enjoy doing. I have time. Saying I don't have enough is complete bs.

I can't remember the last time I picked up my violin or guitar.

I've been feeling stressed because I want to transfer to a better college. Because now I'm double majoring in two subjects that I have no interest in spending the rest of my life doing. I don't know what I'm going to do after college. And it terrifies me.

But I know everything will work out. I'll find something. Everything will be okay.

At almost 1 1/2 years since my last post, I still listen to Keaton Henson when I'm feeling down.

I need to be back on campus. I'm alone and sad and I have never felt this lonely and isolated and unwanted before. I miss adventure and exploring new places. Not being able to drive and leave this house leaves me with this horrible feeling. I have been stuck here for 3 months without a job and feeling helpless. My friends and boyfriend are exploring different parts of the world. I'm jealous and sad that no one responds to my texts and that no one wants to be with me.

At least when I'm back up at school I'll be surrounded by people. Although I may be lonely, I won't be alone.

Keaton Henson's album "Dear" has been keeping me company. The raw emotion has been to much too handle and many tears have been shed. The album is so intimate and personal. You can hear the sadness in his voice with each song from the loss of his love. It's so beautiful.

I have been anxiously thinking more and more about how I'm going to be able to get an apartment by the end of this next school year. I need a job but no one hired me this summer from my lack of experience, especially being 19 and never having a job. I'm scared but I know I will make it work. I just need luck on my side for once.

My life at home and my life at college are two completely different things. I feel like two completely different people.
I miss being able to go out late at night. I can't walk down the street with my boyfriend at 2 in the morning to get some coffee. Or getting Jack in the Box with a friend at 11 because you woke up late and missed the deadline to get free dinner at a dining hall on a Saturday night and is a 1 minute walk from the dorm. Every place around here closes at 10 and you can't walk anywhere.
I miss being surrounded by people. Never feeling lonely, always meeting someone new. Now, I sit alone in my room for hours mindlessly watching TV or scrolling through Tumblr. My friends are busy: with their jobs, partners, or off on their own adventure in a different country. It has been two months since school ended, and I finally realized I need to embrace the loneliness; this is not something I will be able to enjoy up at school, but this loneliness and alone time is not something I will miss. I've been reading and drawing a lot more than I have the past year.
I miss smoke filled lungs and drunken nights at the hookah bar.
I miss walking everywhere and eating vegan food and all the squirrels that roamed the campus.
I miss cramming for exams a few hours before I have to take it, with sushi and a java monster helping me through it and the hours spent on my laptop doing schoolwork.
I want to re-dye my hair. I miss the purple I had in my hair last year. I want teal, or red, some outrageous color to compliment my natural brown hair. I want compliments from strangers not judgment from my parents telling me how ugly it looks.
I miss seeing my best friend everyday. I miss the nights spent at his dorm and the mornings spent laying in bed. I miss the video game and movie marathons we frequently had. I miss waking up next to him.


"i don’t know what to tell you
other than the fact that a giraffe’s
heart weighs 22 pounds and that
somebody once told me when
flies fall in love, their entire brain
is rewired to only know loving each
other. when one of them dies, their
memory becomes blank. i hope you
never think about anything as much 
as i think about waking up next to
you during a windstorm at 5 am."