Chasing Pavements

Last night the orchestra party was so much fun, I absolutely love everyone that was there! It was in fact "beastly", and was just incredible! I know everyone there had a great time, of course including me. :)

This morning I went out to buy some much needed swimsuits. I needed them so badly, I only had two, and they didn't even fit right, they were way too big.

Varsity orchestra auditions are tomorrow and Tuesday. I really hope I get it tomorrow, I'm about as ready as I'll be, and just want to get it over and done with.

Next week is the last week of school, I can't believe it! I'm so excited for summer, I just need a chance to relax and hang out by the pool. I've been so stressed this whole year and not getting much sleep, (I've turned into a slight insomniac) and everythiing has just been getting so screwed up.

Wish me luck for finals!! :O

Harrowdown Hill

I just got back from the mall with some friends, came home, and just cried on the bathroom floor. I was done with all of the shit my mom had given me. I knew she hated my best friend, there's no point in hiding it from me anymore, I fucking know it.

While I was crying I had my cell phone with me. I had to turn on "Harrowdown Hill", the only song that can make me feel comfortable. Though it did make me cry even more, it helped me a ton. That song means so much to me, you can't even imagine.

When I was done I looked in the mirror. I didn't even recognize myself. Tears rolling down my face, my eyes an even brighter gold with some blue streaked in them. My face even paler than usually, sinking even more in making me look half dead. I'm not the person I though I'd be, even a half a year ago. I had been beaten, finally reasoning that I should just give up, there's no point in fighting anymore.

I want to run away, but where would I go? So that is not an option.

I guess I just have to put up with the shit for now, at least now I'm gonna fight back, be the total, stubborn bitch that I am. No one should care for me, I'm not worth it. They'll probably leave after using me anyone, just like most people have.

Those are the people my parents want to be friends with, because they don't know the real them. But once I find a real best friend, who actually understands me when I understand her, they have to take that away from me. Just because she went to a mental hospital doesn't mean she's a bad person. They just hate to see me truly happy. They don't know what's best for me, only I do. But they don't even trust me.

Sorry, I'm not gonna comment back tonight, I'm just not up to it, probably tomorrow.

Sad Eyes

"I can tell that you're lonely, but it seems now there's nothing you want me to do. So I won't try to take the sadness from those eyes that I love, leave it open for someone else to. And when you smile those sad eyes look sadder and sadder still."

The concert Tuesday was unbelievably awesome! Everything went perfect, and everyone sounded great, it was an amazing way to end the year. I can't wait till next year to be able to be in the orchestra again, preparing for concerts. There's just something about them that are just so, magical, I guess. It's pretty exciting.

My friend made me learn Dwarven Runes from Lord Ring of the Rings, which is like writing in code. So now I can honestly say I can write in it, I memorized most of the symbols, except for "X" and "Z", but I don't think I've ever used them before. Hah, we're such dorks, aren't we? :)

I decided I couldn't really take my one friend anymore, she just scares me. She just comes on a bit too strong, you would understand if you met her. She's just loud and obnoxious, and basically just the complete opposite of me. So, instead of just telling her, I've been trying to ignore her. But today she caught up to me after French, so what do I do? The horrible person that I am asks her to wait for me in the hall, then I beg (well, I didn't really have to beg (;) this uber cute guy in my French class to walk with me through the hallway, thinking that she wouldn't walk with me if I was with a guy.

It worked, but now I feel sorta bad. Should I? I mean, seriously, he is amazing, totally went along with everything once I explained it to him, I couldn't have thanked him more.

I'm not sure what I should do about this girl. I mean, she's really starting to scare me. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's like I can't stand being around her anymore. Ugh, I don't know. :(

This weekend there's an end-of-year orchestra party. That should be a ton of fun, I can't wait.

The speaking and writing of my French finals are tomorrow, then I have finals next week. Only 6 days left! I cannot wait till summer's here, I'm so exhausted, I'll probably just sleep and listen to music. I probably should be studying right now.. nah, I think I'll continue to do an amazing job at procrastination.

Peace. :)