I haven't had a smoke in years, but I will catch a drag if you are smoking

 

My resolutions for 2015 are the usual:

Draw more, write more, take more pictures. Finish most, if not all the books I have bought over the past few years that I haven't read yet. This is a long list, and I would like to get through at least 50 books this year. Exercise 3x a week and generally be more active and healthier.

I have formed a few unhealthy habits. Ones I probably won't be able to break in 2015.

I think my biggest problem is coming back home for long periods for breaks and being overwhelmed from all the memories before college. I can't help but stay up too late listening to music, drawing, or reading, things I used to do often in high school. Just staying up late to think. Mostly about old friends, what ifs.

I need to make more time for things I enjoy doing. I have time. Saying I don't have enough is complete bs.

I can't remember the last time I picked up my violin or guitar.

I've been feeling stressed because I want to transfer to a better college. Because now I'm double majoring in two subjects that I have no interest in spending the rest of my life doing. I don't know what I'm going to do after college. And it terrifies me.

But I know everything will work out. I'll find something. Everything will be okay.

At almost 1 1/2 years since my last post, I still listen to Keaton Henson when I'm feeling down.

I need to be back on campus. I'm alone and sad and I have never felt this lonely and isolated and unwanted before. I miss adventure and exploring new places. Not being able to drive and leave this house leaves me with this horrible feeling. I have been stuck here for 3 months without a job and feeling helpless. My friends and boyfriend are exploring different parts of the world. I'm jealous and sad that no one responds to my texts and that no one wants to be with me.

At least when I'm back up at school I'll be surrounded by people. Although I may be lonely, I won't be alone.

Keaton Henson's album "Dear" has been keeping me company. The raw emotion has been to much too handle and many tears have been shed. The album is so intimate and personal. You can hear the sadness in his voice with each song from the loss of his love. It's so beautiful.

I have been anxiously thinking more and more about how I'm going to be able to get an apartment by the end of this next school year. I need a job but no one hired me this summer from my lack of experience, especially being 19 and never having a job. I'm scared but I know I will make it work. I just need luck on my side for once.

My life at home and my life at college are two completely different things. I feel like two completely different people.
I miss being able to go out late at night. I can't walk down the street with my boyfriend at 2 in the morning to get some coffee. Or getting Jack in the Box with a friend at 11 because you woke up late and missed the deadline to get free dinner at a dining hall on a Saturday night and is a 1 minute walk from the dorm. Every place around here closes at 10 and you can't walk anywhere.
I miss being surrounded by people. Never feeling lonely, always meeting someone new. Now, I sit alone in my room for hours mindlessly watching TV or scrolling through Tumblr. My friends are busy: with their jobs, partners, or off on their own adventure in a different country. It has been two months since school ended, and I finally realized I need to embrace the loneliness; this is not something I will be able to enjoy up at school, but this loneliness and alone time is not something I will miss. I've been reading and drawing a lot more than I have the past year.
I miss smoke filled lungs and drunken nights at the hookah bar.
I miss walking everywhere and eating vegan food and all the squirrels that roamed the campus.
I miss cramming for exams a few hours before I have to take it, with sushi and a java monster helping me through it and the hours spent on my laptop doing schoolwork.
I want to re-dye my hair. I miss the purple I had in my hair last year. I want teal, or red, some outrageous color to compliment my natural brown hair. I want compliments from strangers not judgment from my parents telling me how ugly it looks.
I miss seeing my best friend everyday. I miss the nights spent at his dorm and the mornings spent laying in bed. I miss the video game and movie marathons we frequently had. I miss waking up next to him.


"i don’t know what to tell you
other than the fact that a giraffe’s
heart weighs 22 pounds and that
somebody once told me when
flies fall in love, their entire brain
is rewired to only know loving each
other. when one of them dies, their
memory becomes blank. i hope you
never think about anything as much 
as i think about waking up next to
you during a windstorm at 5 am."

"What a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real."

It's been awhile, hasn't it?
I feel I would be more motivated to post here if I knew more people read it, or even if I had something interesting to say. I have been bombarded with schoolwork, but now the school year is coming to an end. My first year at college is finally over. I survived with many scratches and bruises, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I will have much more free time to read or write or think or practice or draw over the next few months. Maybe I'll pick up photography again and post more on my personal Tumblr blog. I bought a sketchbook a few months ago to get back into it, but I've mostly drawn cartoons of "hipster" animals. I want to get more serious with it soon.

Most of what I have been experiencing over the past few months have been incredible and hard to put into words. Most involve small little moments with the boyfriend, stuff that is personal. It has been six months since our first date. It's strange thinking back to my previous boy-filled posts, and looking where I am now. More mature, I'd like to think, and in a stable, amazing, loving relationship.
I have changed a lot this year. I feel like I grew into a better person. One who can articulate her opinions clearly and feel more confident in my ideas and creativity. I hope to share this over the next few blog posts.

Most of my nights have been spent in my boyfriend's dorm, hanging out with him and his roommate sharing weird videos, shitty music, and obscure foreign films. I discovered a love of classic movies, novels, and eating raisin bran at 1 in the morning.
I missed writing here. I hope to keep this up this time.
Maybe I'll make a new blog. Change is good.

2012 in a nutshell

2012 had its ups and downs. The beginning and end were fantastic; I could not ask for a better start and ending of the year. The middle was full of twists and turns, that left me both confused and restless.

Highlights from rereading my posts over the year:
Talking about boys too much. I never said much about them so I don't remember who exactly I was talking about.
Playing in the orchestra pit for a high school musical.
Balloon animals.
Lots and lots of good music.
Went to my first concert, which luckily was a Radiohead concert.
Last orchestra trip to Branson, Missouri.
Prom. D:
Graduating from high school.
Starting my freshman year of college.
Making terrible choices at college.
Making life-changing choices at college.
Having a shitty boyfriend.
Breaking up with the shitty boyfriend.
Meeting someone really great and bonding with them on a spontaneous trip to San Antonio with three guys I had met not even a month prior.
Many school concerts.
Many parties. But more time spent walking to them.
Spending too much time in bed.
Not spending enough time in my own dorm room.
Being okay with the past two items.
Watching a ton of good movies.
Which was balanced out by watching a ton of shitty ones.
An unexpected White Christmas.
And most likely spending New Years Eve with the boyfriend.

I don't have any resolutions for next year. I'm content with my life how it is now. Wouldn't change a thing.

So, this is my life. I am both happy and sad."

Over the past few weeks, Nick Drake has provided the soundtrack to my life.

It sucks that the older I get, the less Christmas feels like Christmas.

These past few days have been filled with boredom and dread.

I overestimated the amount of holiday cheer giving gifts and having a boyfriend over the holiday season would bring. Maybe its because he lives so far away, and I'm not used to being more than a few hours apart during the school year. It's been a week and I miss him terribly. I guess I'm lucky, in a way. But I wish I could have spent more of the holiday season with him. 

Christmas went by too fast, I really wish I could have a do-over. 

But sometimes life throws huge curve-balls at you that you just have to deal with. Ones that come at the most inconvenient times. 

But at least we'll [hopefully] have a White Christmas here in Texas.

“We sometimes encounter people, even perfect strangers, who begin to interest us at first sight, somehow suddenly, all at once, before a word has been spoken.”

Over the past few weeks, I have learned that college is not all about studying and getting good grades. Some nights you have to stay up until 3 in the morning at the library trying to cram for a very important test. But other nights, you need to say "screw it" and sit in the back of a truck with some friends you met a few weeks ago, but feels like you knew them your entire life, and eat sketchy $2 soup you bought from 7-11 while stargazing. You need to take spontaneous road trips to San Antonio, or start making plans for a camping trip a week before you plan to go. You need to take walks and watch the sun set from the top of a parking garage and make memories.
I also found out that the best way to wake up is next to someone else.
Sometimes you need to break up with your boyfriend because you are so incredibly unhappy, even though you don't see anyone in the near future and are scared. You break up with him because he's boring and too grabby. And on that trip to San Antonio the next weekend you bond with a really nice guy. One who is very similar to yourself. One who likes you back.
I have never been happier than I have been these past two weeks. I wish I could go back in time and tell my past self that things truly do get better. The years spent self-loathing and being depressed and suicidal are so far back in the past, I could not imagine feeling that way now.

the sea is a good place to think of the future

The last few weeks have consisted of pumpkin carving, concert attending, movie watching with the boyfriend, a lot of walking and adventures, pool playing, music discovering, hair dying, tumblring, and late at night coffee drinking studying at the library.

I have barely been doing anything creative. No violin playing, drawing, taking artsy pictures or writing. I need to manage my time to incorporate these things that I love more into my life. I miss the art classes I took, my sketchbook back at home, and orchestra. I need to practice more often. I need more time alone.

I plan on posting on this blog more frequently. After I finish this post and a bit of homework, I'm going to try to draw something really great.

It's been a month.

I've been enjoying school.
Especially my English and Psychology classes.
I've been rebellious and wild. Staying out very late.
Other nights I've been studying hard and going to the library for hours at a time.
I've had many sleepless nights.
And mornings where I woke up late and had five minutes to get to class.
I'm ready for hoodies and cold nights.
And winter and all the holidays that come with it.
I now have a boyfriend.
And a rediscovered love of classical music and The XX.

Most of the things that have been happening are too personal. Things I could never write on the internet.
But I'm happy. Everything is great.

September has been really good.

"I promise, that one day, everything's going to be better for you."

It's hard to believe that I'm sitting in my dorm room writing a post. I'm all moved in, and now I just have to wait until Wednesday for classes to start. I made this blog when I was a freshman in high school, and now I'm a freshman in college. I can't believe how time flies by.

I'm hoping to travel back home tonight to visit with a few friends. I'm not really homesick, but I do miss them. It really sucks when you meet someone new the week before you go off to college, and you want to hang out with him to get to know him, and he wants to hang out with you too, but it's difficult to go back home a lot and he can't drive here all the time. Most of our plans to meet tonight have fallen through, but we'll make it work.

I've been really good lately. Things have gotten a lot better.

"I'm done, really, everything is so "cool" now. I just want it all to stop. I mean, nobody talks about anything anymore. They just regurgitate everything they see on TV, or hear on the radio or watch on the web. When was the last time you had a real conversation with someone without somebody texting or looking at a screen or a monitor over your head? You know, a conversation about something that wasn't celebrities, gossip, sports, or pop politics. You know, something important, something personal."

I've been 18 for more than a month. The biggest change I have faced so far: My phone can be used for things other than social networking sites and Angry Birds. Such as, an actual phone.

I have less than three weeks of summer left. Unfortunately, most of it has been spent on Tumblr and YouTube. Soon I will be up at college making choices for myself, not trying to please anyone else. One of my biggest decisions (which I hope won't turn into a regret), is not auditioning for the orchestra. I still want to play, but I want it to be fun. I don't want to feel pressured doing something I love to do, and that's how I've felt all summer. I've practiced every day trying to perfect the audition excerpts. If it takes me that long, how am I going to survive the school year figuring out the music while studying for my classes? I don't regret working on them, though. I have definitely improved. Playing this up to tempo has not been a lot of fun. Playing this has.

I've been talking to a really nice boy. He has unknowingly helped me through a lot this summer.

radiohead pick up lines.

I'll be the king of your limbs.
Been thinkin' about yooouuuu.
You are my center when I spin away.
I just need a number and location.
You are all I need.
If I could be who you wanted, all the time.
I don't want to be your friend, I just want to be your lover.
Let's go to the waterfall, have ourselves a good time, it's nothing at all.
I keep falling over, I keep passing out when I see a face like you.


Heck. Yes. 
I should go up to random boys and say one of these. Instant matchmaking.
I should also rejoin Mortigi Tempo.

"Please let me keep this memory. Just this one."

I was hanging out with a friend at the mall, when a guy walks up to us and gives us two tickets to the aquarium. It was the strangest thing ever, but we went for the hell of it. It was weird he gave them to us because we both are well over the age of 10 (even though I may be the height of a twelve year old, I am very much 18) and were surrounded by children when we got there. So yeah, jellyfish.

It sucks when your phone rings when you expect someone to text you, but it's just notifying you your dragons have finished breeding.

I am the worst when it comes to boys. I give my friends great advice for picking up the fellas. It works every time for them. But for myself they tell me to send "Hey I don't know you, and this is crazy. But I'm totally into you so let's hang out maybe."

Surprisingly, that doesn't work.

I've finally been able to watch Doctor Who.

I haven't been able to stop watching Let's Plays of scary video games on YouTube until 3 in the morning.

And that, is my summer so far in a nutshell.

"I can watch and not take part, where I end and where you start. Where you, you left me alone. You left me alone."  [Passive-aggressive Radiohead lyrics directed towards a specific person, woo.]

"You might as well just get some cats and call it quits."

Over the past few weeks I:

Graduated from high school. It's crazy how fast these last four years have gone by, and now I have four years of college to look forward to.

I became a turtle whisperer.

I listened to some pretty amazing music, like this, this, this, and this.
I hadn't listened to Hellogoodbye in ages. Maybe I'll blast Zombies! Aliens! Vampires! Dinosaurs! sometime this week.

I also went to college orientation a few days ago. Everyone had to stay for three days, and boy, those three days were exhausting. The campus is huge, and there were things to do every minute of the day. I met some really amazing people and it was a lot of fun. 

There are so many squirrels wandering around campus.

It’s really pretty there. The few days I was there were amazing and made me excited to go to college. I can’t believe I already have my classes and dorm picked out and have even made a few friends. Now all I have to do is wait until August.

On the last day we were able to wander around campus for ourselves and take tours. I decided to take a tour of the hall I'll be staying at because I hadn't seen it yet. I chose it because it's where most musicians and artists stay and it's located perfectly near the middle of campus.The tour guide told us how the dorms are haunted by two ghosts; one haunts the attic and fourth floor, the other haunts the basement where the practice rooms are. When I got back to the room I was staying at for orientation, I checked my housing assignment and of course, I will be on the fourth floor. I also did a bit of research online and tons of stories came up on urban legends and various paranormal teams staying at the hall to do research. I'm pretty excited.This will either be incredibly awesome, or incredibly terrifying.

I stayed over night at a friends house last night and we watched all four Twilight movies in a row. Don't ask me why. Today I finally saw The Avengers with two hours of sleep. It was really good, I need to watch the other ones now.

This summer is off to a good start.

New Blog; Lights Inside My Head.
I'm going to post a photo/drawing/blog post there every day for at least a year.
I need to make myself do this, EVERY DAY.
I will still post here every so often, just like I have been.

come on skinny love just last the year

One day, I will have a pug. And I will name it Pippin.
Only 1 1/2 days left of being a senior.
Prom was surprisingly a lot of fun. I'm glad I went. When my friend and I first arrived she wanted to dance. So we went onto the dance floor, and when we looked around us we were surrounded by couples grinding. There was nothing else we could do besides walk away.
A similar story: I had to stay after school to make up a test, and as I was standing in an empty hallway near a door waiting to be picked  up, a couple walks by. They decide to stop right next to me, hug goodbye, and make their farewell as long as possible. Then they start really going at it playing tonsil hockey, and I'm just standing there like "Oh dear god why do these things happen to me. I got here first. Why must you be right next to me. You have an entire school to do this, why this hallway. #foreveraloneproblems." Seriously. Why do these things happen to me.
For my last high school project, I had to rewrite a fairy tale where the characters had mental disorders. I rewrote Rapunzel. The ending was incredibly tragic.
I'm exempt from all my finals (because I have all A's and I only missed one day of school this semester) so I'm basically done, just have to show up the next two days. I've enjoyed reading and listening to music in all of my classes.
It's been a good year, but I'm really glad it's over. The best part about prom and the last orchestra concert being over? I can now eat whatever the hell I want without feeling guilty.
My new favorite thing is playing Minecraft while listening to the Lord of the Rings soundtrack.
Really anything is better when listening to the LoTR soundtrack.
That, and "Apple Bottom Jeans".
Lord of the Rings pick up lines are the best pick up lines.
"Your beauty has pierced me like a Morgul blade."
I woo ALL the boys.

Over the past few weeks I:
Bought a dress for prom.
Cried at my last orchestra banquet when our teacher read a part of my scholarship essay.
Found out Blogger got a new look.
Questioned why websites feel the need to change the look of their site when the old way was perfect just the way it was.
Have not been able to stop constantly listening to Owen Pallett/Final Fantasy.
Have also said "totes cray" and "YOLO" too many times.

At the orchestra banquet it finally hit me that I am almost done with high school. For the past four years the orchestra has been like my family. The journey has ended, and I feel like I am missing a big part of my life. But I'm excited to see what's next.
I'm writing a satirical proposal in English like Jonathan Swift did about how terrible teachers are not punished while good teachers are not getting rewarded. I'll probably post that when I'm finished. Prezi is a pretty cool website when I don't have to use it for astronomy. I totes mentioned the fact my astronomy teacher played Words With Friends for an entire period while she let us have a "study hall". My life is so cray. YOLO, I suppose.

"That song's catchy." "So is the black plague."

I could not have asked for more out of my Senior trip for orchestra. We were all skeptic about going to Branson, but it turned out to be one of the best trips ever. Some of the past trips include: Freshman, Sophomore, and Junior years.

Thursday
We left the school at 7 and drove for most of the day. We stopped to have lunch at Sonic and had dinner at Mel's Hard Luck Diner. The waiters and waitresses sang to us, and the food there was pretty good. Then we went to see the Duttons. It was a great show; I had seen them before on America's Got Talent. Here is a video of them. Then we returned to the hotel. Our beds were sleep numbers that came with a remote, so my friend and I were complaining our bed was at 100 and it was too soft and our roommates bed was at 5 and too hard. It took us two hours to figure out the remotes were switched. My friend and I thought we were too fat and broke the bed.

Friday
We left the hotel and headed over to Silver Dollar City, which is like a small Six Flags. It's an amusement Park that had a lot of shows and many things to do besides ride roller coasters. We went into a house where the rooms were either sloped or upside down. It felt like the room was moving.

And the view at the observation tower was beautiful. Driving up there through Arkansas we had so many breathtaking views. I would love to live somewhere like this one day.

My friend and I also searched around the park for a present for our director. Every year the seniors pitch in and get her something and everyone signs it. In the past they have been license plates and posters. Our class got her a ukelele. We all signed it, and it looks really cool. Definitely the best senior present ever.
We also stopped to watch some Kenyan acrobats.

We went to dinner at Lambert's afterwards. The waiters throw rolls to you and you have to catch them if you wanted one, and the food was amazing. We got back to the hotel, they handed out senior gifts, and the seniors gave the ukelele to our teacher. Everyone was an emotional wreck at the end.

Saturday
We had our competition Saturday morning. We went to a mall afterwards, then Dixie Stampede. It's like Medieval Times but with cowboys. South side won, woo. Then they announced the competition winners when it was over, and both Non-Varsity and Varsity got two trophies each. A successful trip, indeed.

Sunday
Woke up early to head back home. It was an eight hour drive back, but it was a lot of fun.
I'm going to miss Branson, and it is definitely my favorite trip the orchestra has taken.


Solo/Ensemble was yesterday morning. My ensemble went really well. We played "The Bird" by Haydn. A dubstep remix is definitely needed. My solo went alright. I played a random E flat that I have never done before, but I'll find out how I did Monday.

The end of the year banquet for orchestra is in a few weeks. I've spent most of the morning finding really sad songs for the slideshow with pictures from throughout the year. Some of the songs include "In My Life" by The Beatles, "Love of An Orchestra" by Noah and the Whale, "Friends" by Elton John, and "Old Friends" by Simon & Garfunkel. It's going to be a sad ending to a really great four years. Orchestra is what I'm going to miss most when I graduate; my closest friends are there. I do plan to continue playing in college and for the rest of my life. But it just won't be the same.

"It is so rare in this world to meet a trustworthy person who truly
wants to help you, and finding such a person can make you feel
warm and safe, even if you are in the middle of a windy valley
high up in the mountains."
-Lemony Snicket.

It's a little childish and stupid, but so is high school.

A picture in 365 slices. Each slice is one day of the year.

I should be writing an essay for a scholarship on why I am unique. But I would much rather write something here.

I had a really weird dream Saturday morning, which I wasn't going to post about, but I might as well.
I was on the trip [which is in two days!] and hanging out with one of my best friends. We were talking about how both of us are having a hard time finding someone who likes us the way we like them. He said something along the lines of "Well, maybe we should start dating our friends instead falling for people that don't like us", but at first I didn't hear him so I leaned closer. I asked "What?" and he put his arm around my shoulder. I leaned in closer because he would not answer, and he kissed me on the forehead.
Lame, yes. I hate those kinds of dreams, because then I wake up feeling lonely.

I'm going prom dress shopping soon, and I've already started getting cute clothes for summer. I even got my hair cut pretty short.


I started making playlists on 8tracks. People are liking my weird music? What is this.

And I'm still in love with this:

Your chromosomes have combined beautifully

Blog almost every day in April? Alright, challenge accepted.

Almost everything that could've gone wrong in the past two weeks has. I don't want to get into the technicalities of what exactly happened, but it just hasn't been good.

Hopefully things start looking up starting tonight.

Edit: Later that night
They have.