Sunday, August 11, 2013

I need to be back on campus. I'm alone and sad and I have never felt this lonely and isolated and unwanted before. I miss adventure and exploring new places. Not being able to drive and leave this house leaves me with this horrible feeling. I have been stuck here for 3 months without a job and feeling helpless. My friends and boyfriend are exploring different parts of the world. I'm jealous and sad that no one responds to my texts and that no one wants to be with me.

At least when I'm back up at school I'll be surrounded by people. Although I may be lonely, I won't be alone.

Keaton Henson's album "Dear" has been keeping me company. The raw emotion has been to much too handle and many tears have been shed. The album is so intimate and personal. You can hear the sadness in his voice with each song from the loss of his love. It's so beautiful.

I have been anxiously thinking more and more about how I'm going to be able to get an apartment by the end of this next school year. I need a job but no one hired me this summer from my lack of experience, especially being 19 and never having a job. I'm scared but I know I will make it work. I just need luck on my side for once.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

My life at home and my life at college are two completely different things. I feel like two completely different people.
I miss being able to go out late at night. I can't walk down the street with my boyfriend at 2 in the morning to get some coffee. Or getting Jack in the Box with a friend at 11 because you woke up late and missed the deadline to get free dinner at a dining hall on a Saturday night and is a 1 minute walk from the dorm. Every place around here closes at 10 and you can't walk anywhere.
I miss being surrounded by people. Never feeling lonely, always meeting someone new. Now, I sit alone in my room for hours mindlessly watching TV or scrolling through Tumblr. My friends are busy: with their jobs, partners, or off on their own adventure in a different country. It has been two months since school ended, and I finally realized I need to embrace the loneliness; this is not something I will be able to enjoy up at school, but this loneliness and alone time is not something I will miss. I've been reading and drawing a lot more than I have the past year.
I miss smoke filled lungs and drunken nights at the hookah bar.
I miss walking everywhere and eating vegan food and all the squirrels that roamed the campus.
I miss cramming for exams a few hours before I have to take it, with sushi and a java monster helping me through it and the hours spent on my laptop doing schoolwork.
I want to re-dye my hair. I miss the purple I had in my hair last year. I want teal, or red, some outrageous color to compliment my natural brown hair. I want compliments from strangers not judgment from my parents telling me how ugly it looks.
I miss seeing my best friend everyday. I miss the nights spent at his dorm and the mornings spent laying in bed. I miss the video game and movie marathons we frequently had. I miss waking up next to him.

"i don’t know what to tell you
other than the fact that a giraffe’s
heart weighs 22 pounds and that
somebody once told me when
flies fall in love, their entire brain
is rewired to only know loving each
other. when one of them dies, their
memory becomes blank. i hope you
never think about anything as much 
as i think about waking up next to
you during a windstorm at 5 am."

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

"What a terrible mistake to let go of something wonderful for something real."

It's been awhile, hasn't it?
I feel I would be more motivated to post here if I knew more people read it, or even if I had something interesting to say. I have been bombarded with schoolwork, but now the school year is coming to an end. My first year at college is finally over. I survived with many scratches and bruises, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. I will have much more free time to read or write or think or practice or draw over the next few months. Maybe I'll pick up photography again and post more on my personal Tumblr blog. I bought a sketchbook a few months ago to get back into it, but I've mostly drawn cartoons of "hipster" animals. I want to get more serious with it soon.

Most of what I have been experiencing over the past few months have been incredible and hard to put into words. Most involve small little moments with the boyfriend, stuff that is personal. It has been six months since our first date. It's strange thinking back to my previous boy-filled posts, and looking where I am now. More mature, I'd like to think, and in a stable, amazing, loving relationship.
I have changed a lot this year. I feel like I grew into a better person. One who can articulate her opinions clearly and feel more confident in my ideas and creativity. I hope to share this over the next few blog posts.

Most of my nights have been spent in my boyfriend's dorm, hanging out with him and his roommate sharing weird videos, shitty music, and obscure foreign films. I discovered a love of classic movies, novels, and eating raisin bran at 1 in the morning.
I missed writing here. I hope to keep this up this time.
Maybe I'll make a new blog. Change is good.