Tuesday, March 31, 2009


"Oh brother, I've been hearing voices that I'm probably not supposed to. How will I walk steady if the ground should come alive. And tell me how, will I be ready for the world another time."

I'm probably not going to be online tomorrow, so I decided to make this post today. I don't think I'll have time, with packing, and trying to do my homework so I don't have to on Sunday. And I plan to take a Benadryl early , so I can fall asleep at a reasonably time, since I have to get up at 4. :P And the computer bug that's going around, I highly doubt that it will be on blogger, but my parents are still freaking out and don't want me to turn on my computer. So yeah. :(

Today went pretty good, I had some very weird dreams last night, three, actually. I won't describe them all, but the one I remember most vividly was, yes, about him. Surprised? But anyway, all I remember was being in a room and him coming in. I all of a sudden started crying, I don't know why, and I put my head against his chest and he just hugged me. It was very nice, I must say. It's just one of those sweet moments that you just want to happen in real life. If only, if only..

The trip is only two (I guess technically one) day(s) away!! Can you tell I'm excited?! (;

Also today, I was in the hallway, and he saw me. He hugged the girl next to him, knowing that I was looking, and looked right at me while he was doing it. I'm not looking too far into this, he has done it a few times before. Do any of you guys know what that means? I must admit that it was bothering me, which I think was his idea. I don't know, he's not a spiteful person at all. Well, maybe a bit, but seriously, aren't we all? Ughh, I wish this was all less complicated. I know the only way to deal with it, but I don't know if I'm ready yet.

Oh yeah, and tomorrow's April Fool's Day. Hah, I remember last year my friend and I pulled a prank on him, back when everything was normal. It was very lame, but still, pricelss. (;

I guess that's it, I promise to comment everyone back when I get back, I'm too tired tonight to do it. :P

Peace. :)

*Oh, and the title, second best Thriving Ivory song. :)*

Sunday, March 29, 2009

15 Step

"15 steps, then a sheer drop."

Sorry, again, I've had a very boring weekend. Though it was quite a relaxing one. I added about 100 more songs to my iPod, and slept in till 12 yesterday. Which I desperately needed, I felt exhausted by the end of the week.

The post title, I have no idea how it relates to anything going on now, I'm just listening to the In Rainbows CD now. Very good CD, I love it.

Thursday I'm going to San Antonio! Only 4 days left! I'm so excited, it should be soo much fun. :)

That's it, nothing's going on next week, besides San Antonio. I'll make sure to post everything that happened to make up for this ridiculously short post. But probably not on Sunday, I'll be dead exhausted. But I will soon after.

Hopefully something good will happen this week...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Read My Mind

Nothing has happened at all this week so far, it's been very boring.

The San Antonio trip is only 8 days away now! Unfortunately next week Thursday I'll have to wake up at 4 in order to get ready and be at school by 6:30. Yep, that's 6:30. In the morning. And on Sunday we're getting back at 2:30, again, in the morning. Though it will all be worth it when we win the competition. (;

It rained today, there was a severe weather alert. But, about an hour ago, the sun came out and now it's bright and cheerful out. I don't like the weather here, at all. It sucks.

He's still leading me on. If I didn't know better I would have to think that he actually likes me. But that's not very likely, though I don't think he's purposely doing it. He's just...eh. *Note: scroll down to the bottom of my blog and read the picture down there, if you haven't already.*

The concert last night to recruit the fifth graders didn't go so great, though we did sound pretty awesome, it wasn't horrible. It just wasn't that much fun. We got there, we played for like, 10 minutes, then left. Hopefully the school will form an orchestra program if they get enough people interested, which I think they will, hopefully.

I can't wait till next week! Uber fun. :)


Sunday, March 22, 2009

Love Will Come Through

I made this post on my old blog, which I was reading through some of yesterday. I love this post, one of my favorites that I did:

"It's been a month...A whole month...

He still hasn't said anything. No indication if he noticed it or not. It's more likely not though....

I hate that feeling like you're in the dark, and you don't know what's going on. You don't know what to feel, or if you should even feel anything at all. You want to care for that special person, but at the same time you don't want to waste your time on someone you're not sure would ever care for you and have the same feelings as you do for them.

There's times you feel like you need them that very second you start feeling even the tiniest bit of loneliness. But you know they will never be there to ease your pain. Not now, and probably not ever. But you still carry that little piece of hope in your heart, praying that one day, sometime soon, that he cares. But you don't want to wait any longer. And you can't.

Something is keeping you there with him, you don't know what, but something is telling you that he's hiding his true feelings. Or at least that's what you hope.

Caring for him may have caused you more damage than good, you soon realize. You've been waiting too long, and you've given up too much of your time trying to make him understand. To see that he's one of the only people you trust. You've somehow become numb. Nothing phases you anymore. You almost feel cold-hearted. But he's still one of the only people in your life you care about.

Love? For you it could possibly be. You can't leave him, and it's too hard for you to let him go. Would leaving him help you? Or would it just create more pain, and a bigger hole in your heart? There's only one way to find out..."

Yep, I love it. :)

I remember I was really pissed off that day, trying to understand him, wanting so badly to just tell him everything; that or give up. That really explains everything well, everything that was going on for the past year.

But the past is the past, and it's over.

I finally finished painting my room, so now I get to sleep in there tonight, it's pretty exciting. I had to sleep on the couch in the living room, which was not very comfortable, might I add. That probably explains the lack of sleep I've been having and the weird dreams. Well, I think the smell of the paint caused those. (;

I finally get to go back to school tomorrow, I can't wait.

:) <-- still happy, though not as much as yesterday. :)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Flowers In the Window

I actually feel genuinely happy today. I don't know why, and I don't have a reason to be. I slept terribly again last night, had a whole bunch of other dreams that seemed to be meaningless, but I am happy. Which I haven't been this happy in a while. It's beautiful outside (though I prefer the dark, dreary, rainy days), but other than that I shouldn't feel this good. It's pretty nice, but it will probably wear off by later today.

Next week is going to be pretty busy with orchestra stuff. Monday we have a meeting after school for those who are going to the San Antonio trip (still can't wait!) and I think there's going to be a practice after school, I'm not sure, I'll have to check. :P Then Tuesday we have a concert to get more fifth and sixth graders to join orchestra. It should be fun. :) Then Wednesday I have a lesson after school, then I think that's it. Not much, but hey, at least I'll be somewhat busy, unlike what I have been this week.

Oh yeah, did I mention I think I'm over him?? :) Yeah, I'm pretty happy about that too. :) Though all the guys here are losers, maybe there's one that I haven't noticed yet, which I hope is true. I feel like I still need that someone here, I feel empty, like I'm missing a part of me.

But still, I'm happy. :)


Friday, March 20, 2009

Sing for Absolution

I can't wait to go back to school; I actually kind of miss it. It's so nice outside now, but I do miss the "cold" (if you could count 40 degrees cold.) and the rain, though it didn't rain much this year.

I had some very weird dreams two nights ago, there were five different ones that I can vaguely remember, then some other ones that were just a blur. I have no idea if they were somehow connected to each other or if they were all different, I just don't know. I had another weird dream last night, which I vividly remember, but don't plan on posting it up here. Though I will say he was in it. And it's probably not what you're thinking. (;

Don't you hate it when someone only talks to you when all they want to do is try to get information out of you about your best friend who's in a mental hospital? I know I do. Huh, I guess it's true that you never realize what you have until it's gone.

My new favorite song: Falling Down by Muse. Which I am going to explain in a huge, lengthy post, probably next week when I get back to school. Just so then I can say something along with it, and to be sure of some things. Though I'm sure you guys can figure it out if you look up the lyrics.

I had at least six poems that I started to write on my cell phone from a few weeks ago. I finished three two nights ago, then another two last night. The last one I plan to finish tonight, or maybe by the end of the weekend, or on the bus on the way to San Antonio. Which I know is still two weeks away, but it will give me something to do on the bus.

Eh, can't wait to go back to school.


Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Where I End and Where You Begin

"I can watch and not take part, where I end and where you start. Where you, you left me alone. You left me alone."

I have no idea why these all have been Radiohead..

I slept terribly, again, last night. I couldn't sleep, so I was up until around 5, then fell asleep and woke up around 11. Which is fine, I did get at least 6 hours sleep. And, surprisingly, I'm not all that tired. Though by 8 I'll probably crash on the couch listening to my iPod.

I'm repainting my room this week. The color that's there now is what came with the house, and it really looks like shit. Yeah, it's that bad. We painted a spot on the wall the color to see how it would look when it dries. And I can't help but stare at it every five minutes; it's irritating. I reread this and looked up at it again. :P

I haven't written much in awhile. I just haven't felt like it. Since I found out I really have become numb, and nothing phases me anymore. Like, if someone hurts just me, I don't give a crap. I know that's bad, I just really don't care. And I realize that there's no one in my life (besides y'all, you guys are pretty awesome (;) who I can tell everything to. Absolutely no one. No one really cares about me, or what happens to me. No one here, at least.

I just want to know why. Why did that have to happen?

I'm going down to San Antonio in two weeks for an orchestra competition. I can't wait, it'll be nice to get out of town for awhile. We're going to play what we did for UIL, so we should sound pretty awesome.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Permanent Daylight

Spring Break started yesterday, so now I'm off for a week. Unfortunately none of my friends are going to be here, they all have lives and are going out of town. So I'll just have to be a loser this week and stay home. Ughh.

We did great on our UIL competition, which was last Thursday. We got five ones!! (Which is the best rating you can get.) And a two, but it doesn't matter, because we still got sweepstakes!! Yeah, it was fun. Then the day after we went to Olive Garden to celebrate, and I got to hang out with some friends that I haven't really hung out with in awhile. Our waiter was like the coolest guy ever, he was pretty awesome.

I re-read Twilight (again (;) and now that I'm really concentrating on it, I have found so many little parts in it that remind me of him, it's ridiculous. Well, one really stands out:

My friend and I always make fun of him, and call him oblivious and stuff. Well... after I had found out the truth was a few days before I read this:

"Only now and then, when his fists would suddenly ball up - skin stretched even whiter over the bones - did I wonder if he wasn't quite as oblivious as he appeared." Pg. 70
There are a whole bunch more just like that, it's just that that was the first one I read, and I was in complete shock. Pretty amazing. Because he's not as oblivious as he seems. *sigh*

Eh, I'm done.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Thinking About You

I need to start over. It seems like everything is spiraling downwards in my life, and I feel like I need a place to write it all down. Something to help clear my mind. So, I thought this would be the perfect spot.

So, I will explain everything, just to start this all out:

First of all, I had to move out of my favorite place, the only place that I had felt welcome in. Where my best friends were. The temperature was perfect, the people were perfect. I loved it there.

So, we (meaning my parents and I; I'm an only child.) have lived here for awhile. I have only one true best friend here-I hate mostly everyone here. It's too hot, sunny, bright, I basically hate everything about living here.

I can't really tell my one best friend everything that's happening. (Hence the blog.) She has more problems than I do. Right now, this very second as I'm typing this, she's back in the mental hospital for the second time. She tried to kill herself, the first time cutting, and the more recent is starving herself to lose weight. She is really my only friend here, the only person I can tell everything to. And when she's gone, it only makes me miss her even more, and realize how much she means to me.

I love this one guy, and I mean LOVE. I would do anything to make him happy. I have known him since the first day we lived here, when he showed me around the school. I would kill myself if it would save his life. Unfortunately, I found out that he never liked me. He had lead me on for the longest time. I could have sworn that he did-he made me think he did. He always knew that I liked him, but did nothing about it, not to tell me that he didn't like me back. No, of course not, why would he do that? And what's worse is it hurts when I'm not around him, and it feels nearly impossible to just get over him.

Every guy that I like or have liked seems to not like me back, or at least not in that way.

That's the most basic summary of what's going on right now. Why say everything in only the first post? There's much more to be said, and want to be able to keep this blog for awhile. I have already had two other blogs, ones which came to an abrupt stop. I'm not sure if I just got tired of them or what, but hopefully this one will be a keeper.

One last thing: Every post title will be a song that I'm listening to right now, or one that describes the mood I'm currently in. This one: Thinking About You by Radiohead. Great song.