Sunday, May 31, 2009

Chasing Pavements

Last night the orchestra party was so much fun, I absolutely love everyone that was there! It was in fact "beastly", and was just incredible! I know everyone there had a great time, of course including me. :)

This morning I went out to buy some much needed swimsuits. I needed them so badly, I only had two, and they didn't even fit right, they were way too big.

Varsity orchestra auditions are tomorrow and Tuesday. I really hope I get it tomorrow, I'm about as ready as I'll be, and just want to get it over and done with.

Next week is the last week of school, I can't believe it! I'm so excited for summer, I just need a chance to relax and hang out by the pool. I've been so stressed this whole year and not getting much sleep, (I've turned into a slight insomniac) and everythiing has just been getting so screwed up.

Wish me luck for finals!! :O

Friday, May 29, 2009

Harrowdown Hill

I just got back from the mall with some friends, came home, and just cried on the bathroom floor. I was done with all of the shit my mom had given me. I knew she hated my best friend, there's no point in hiding it from me anymore, I fucking know it.

While I was crying I had my cell phone with me. I had to turn on "Harrowdown Hill", the only song that can make me feel comfortable. Though it did make me cry even more, it helped me a ton. That song means so much to me, you can't even imagine.

When I was done I looked in the mirror. I didn't even recognize myself. Tears rolling down my face, my eyes an even brighter gold with some blue streaked in them. My face even paler than usually, sinking even more in making me look half dead. I'm not the person I though I'd be, even a half a year ago. I had been beaten, finally reasoning that I should just give up, there's no point in fighting anymore.

I want to run away, but where would I go? So that is not an option.

I guess I just have to put up with the shit for now, at least now I'm gonna fight back, be the total, stubborn bitch that I am. No one should care for me, I'm not worth it. They'll probably leave after using me anyone, just like most people have.

Those are the people my parents want to be friends with, because they don't know the real them. But once I find a real best friend, who actually understands me when I understand her, they have to take that away from me. Just because she went to a mental hospital doesn't mean she's a bad person. They just hate to see me truly happy. They don't know what's best for me, only I do. But they don't even trust me.

Sorry, I'm not gonna comment back tonight, I'm just not up to it, probably tomorrow.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Sad Eyes

"I can tell that you're lonely, but it seems now there's nothing you want me to do. So I won't try to take the sadness from those eyes that I love, leave it open for someone else to. And when you smile those sad eyes look sadder and sadder still."

The concert Tuesday was unbelievably awesome! Everything went perfect, and everyone sounded great, it was an amazing way to end the year. I can't wait till next year to be able to be in the orchestra again, preparing for concerts. There's just something about them that are just so, magical, I guess. It's pretty exciting.

My friend made me learn Dwarven Runes from Lord Ring of the Rings, which is like writing in code. So now I can honestly say I can write in it, I memorized most of the symbols, except for "X" and "Z", but I don't think I've ever used them before. Hah, we're such dorks, aren't we? :)

I decided I couldn't really take my one friend anymore, she just scares me. She just comes on a bit too strong, you would understand if you met her. She's just loud and obnoxious, and basically just the complete opposite of me. So, instead of just telling her, I've been trying to ignore her. But today she caught up to me after French, so what do I do? The horrible person that I am asks her to wait for me in the hall, then I beg (well, I didn't really have to beg (;) this uber cute guy in my French class to walk with me through the hallway, thinking that she wouldn't walk with me if I was with a guy.

It worked, but now I feel sorta bad. Should I? I mean, seriously, he is amazing, totally went along with everything once I explained it to him, I couldn't have thanked him more.

I'm not sure what I should do about this girl. I mean, she's really starting to scare me. I'm not sure how to describe it, but it's like I can't stand being around her anymore. Ugh, I don't know. :(

This weekend there's an end-of-year orchestra party. That should be a ton of fun, I can't wait.

The speaking and writing of my French finals are tomorrow, then I have finals next week. Only 6 days left! I cannot wait till summer's here, I'm so exhausted, I'll probably just sleep and listen to music. I probably should be studying right now.. nah, I think I'll continue to do an amazing job at procrastination.

Peace. :)

Monday, May 25, 2009


Wow, I haven't posted in nearly a week. There isn't much updating to do though.

The banquet Tuesday went very well, although I knew only one other person there. And I had to wear a dress, which was pure torture. I tripped on almost every chair to get up to the stage in heels and a dress. And you'll never hear anyone call me Grace, so you could imagine how well that went. I might post some pictures next post.

The one for orchestra went a ton better, most of my friends were there, and it made realize how much I really appreciate the whole group, it was just completely amazing. I'll really miss all the seniors who are leaving this year, it just wont be the same. We all were kind of like this big, happy family. It's really great.

The orchestra concert is tomorrow, and we sound really, really good. I'm kinda excited for that, it's our last concert for the year, so it actually is only kinda important. :)

Now I have to make a CD or my friend might kill me tomorrow. (You know who you are, haha. (;)

Peace. :)

Boten Anna

You guys!! Y'all need to go to this blog right now!! :)

She's amazing, one of my friends, you need to read it!!!!!

I shall comment everyone back later and make a real post. :)

Monday, May 18, 2009


"Everything about you pains my envying, your soul can't hate anything. Everything about you is so easy to love, they're watching you from above. Give me all the peace and joy in your mind, I want the peace and joy in your mind. Everything about you resonates happiness, now I won't settle for less."

This weekend was pretty amazing

I finally found my dress, and it looks so great on me, I can't wait till tomorrow. Well, I can, because I really don't want to go. But the orchestra one is on thursday, and that one should be a ton of fun, although some of my friends aren't going. And only one of my friends is going to the one tomorrow, all of my other friends got an 89 in one of their classes. Maybe I'll do that next year, just so I can skip it. (;

I woke up a bit earlier than usual, and went out to find a new pair of glasses. Which I did, and I love them. Maybe I'll take a picture when I get them, maybe. :P After that I went to a book store and bought a few more books, so thankfully I'll have a few to keep me busy for awhile. Then I cleaned my room and the living room upstairs, which is basically just like my second bedroom, which I haven't done in nearly forever.

In the morning I basically did nothing, I woke up a bit later than I wanted to, then got ready to go to the mall. I got there around 1, then walked around with my friends until about 5, until our other friends got there. Yep, 4 hours. But believe me, when you're with them, you can get into a buttload of trouble. (; Then at 6:30 we went to see Star Trek, which I highly recommend you go see!

The point of going was mostly for my friend. She's going out with this one guy now, who after yesterday I know can sorta tolerate. She just didn't want to be alone with him, so I had to go find a "friend date". Which thankfully I did. My other friend came too, but her boyfriend couldn't go, and she didn't want to feel left out. So we were searching around the mall to find her a friend date too. But there were no hot guys there! Never on a Sunday, of course. We went up to this one nerdy guy, whom I think we scared. But he said no, and we couldn't find anyone else, but it was still a ton of fun.

sunday night:
I was up till around 2 last night reading. Yeah, I was exhausted today. But I'll probably do it again tonight, just because. :)

This week is going to be so boring. Probably full of drama too, with my friend and all. :/


Thursday, May 14, 2009

Communication Breakdown

This weekend I'm going to the movies, maybe see Star Trek, I'm not sure though. School has been pretty good, I have two end-of-year banquets I have to go to next week, and this weekend I'm gonna go shopping to find a dress. Wish me luck! :P

I think my one friend likes me. He's so adorable, but I'd rather not explain what makes me think that. It's pretty long, and just in case someone I know reads this, they'll no for sure who it is. (;

My friend has a boyfriend now. I personally hate him and won't let her go out with him alone, she doesn't even want to be alone with him. So I'll probably go with her, and maybe I'll ask him to go as my "date".

And now, I leave you with this quote:

"Some people are like slinkies, they don't really have a purpose, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs."

"Don't push him down the stairs! Every time you do God kills a kitten!"

Peace. <3

Monday, May 11, 2009

I Know You Are But What Am I?

Haven't posted in awhile, have I? :P

Nothing much has been going on school-wise. Just a whole bunch of tests, projects and whatnot. I probably should be coloring my poster for geometry right now, but I felt like I just had to do a post.

I added about 100 songs to my iPod this weekend, probably about 200 in the past week or so.

Today I decided that I'm going to learn how to play the guitar and piano. I thought that it might improve my already amazing violin skills (just kidding :P ), and I thought it would be kinda nice to learn a few more instruments. So today I dug out my old keyboard from the back of my closet, got out some of my old violin books, and started to teach myself. I must say it was a lot of fun. I used to want to play it when I was younger for the longest time, but then I just eventually gave up with it. I don't know why, I'm just so excited 'bout it. :)

My dad used to play the guitar when he was younger, so he has two guitars, one of which I can teach myself to play. I already can read music, so this should be pretty easy. :)

I promise to comment everyone back within the next day or so, I'm so tired it's ridiculous.

Peace. :)

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Angels on the Moon [again]

*I apologize in advance for the long-ness of this. This was based on the dream that I had so long ago, I just felt like I needed to expand on it, that it would help me sort out everything in my head. That this would, finally, make me get over him. Which sorta did, but I still thought that this turned out pretty well.* (;

It was the last day of school. I quickly walked down the crowded hallway, pushing my way through the many couples that were crowding it, each giving each other looks of pure love and admiration. "Sick" I muttered to myself as I finally arrived at my second period class, the class that had always brung me so much pleasure, world geography.

It was different than my other classes, which was why I always wanted to get there as early as possible. Not only was he there, sitting next to me, asking for answers. But he always acted differently in this class than any other we've ever had together. Like he actually cared about what I had to say. Though he did make the occasional short joke, but seriously, who didn't? None of our other friends were there, no one there that we both knew. So finally, after so long of waiting, I got a chance to be together with him, my only chance. Which never lasted long enough, of course.

He was already there, like always, waiting for me. I sat down as he smiled at me. "Hey." he said, as he always did. And, as always, my response: "Hi." With a smile in return, of course.

Today seemed to be a bit different than the rest. I could feel some tension between him and I, something I've felt only too often when we were around other people. But never when it was just us. I turned to look at him, to look into his deep blue eyes. His dark brown hair was starting to get in the way. But today didn't seem like it would be the best day to joke about his hair with him.

"What's on your mind?" I asked him.

"It's nothing, don't worry about it."

I nodded once, still looking into his eyes, then slowly turned away. I couldn't help but notice how close he seemed to me today, our desks closer than usual.

Class then started. Luckily it was just a working period where we could work on homework. Since we were in the back, we could easily talk unnoticed. Which is what we usually did. We both slid a bit closer to each other, then got out our homework, pretending to work. Two other girls, who could be considered more of acquaintances than friends, decided to move over to where we were and worked with us. I could obviously tell they both had a crush on him. Even him, as oblivious as he was, could tell. But, fortunately, he never paid any attention to them.

We worked like that for awhile, in silence. I occasionally caught him looking at me, his bright blue eyes even brighter than usual, looking at me uncertainly. As our eyes met each time, he'd quickly look away. By then I knew that something was wrong.

The two girls quickly got up and left to who knows where, leaving just me and him alone, like it always had been. He looked at me, our eyes meeting for what seemed like more than it actually was, before he finally told me what I had been waiting to hear for awhile. "I have something important to tell you."

My heart started to beat uncontrollably, not knowing what he could possibly need to tell me, me of all people. I tried to calmly say "What?" but knew that I would fail miserably at it, so I just nodded slowly, my eyes begging him to continue.

"Well, " he started, hesitating. "I've decided something. Something I think to be important." His eyes never leaving mine, wondering what I was thinking. "And what would that be?" I asked. We both knew that my voice was shaking as he slowly slid closer to me. He picked up my left hand, which was trembling on my knee, and held it carefully in both of his. "I've been wanting to do this for awhile. I was afraid, though I knew how you felt, which didn't make it any better." He said, smiling, laughing quietly as the confusion seeped even more into me. "What did you decide?" I asked quietly, afraid to talk even louder than a whisper to ruin the moment.


He took my other hand, stood me up, and put both of his hands gently on my face. He leaned down slowly, as I felt his cool breathe against my lips. He hesitated, then even slower than I thought possible, gently put his lips against mine.

I had never felt more of a rush than I had with this moment that I wanted to last forever. He moved his right hand to my hip, gently putting it there, then his other hand around the back of my neck. He knew how I felt about that, but also knew that he was the only person who could do that without making me jump. But the chills that that gave me felt incredible, better than anything could ever feel.

He slowly backed away, looking into my eyes. Both of us were trying to catch our breath, knowing that our friendship would never be the same. But both knowing that something more incredible was waiting for us just around the corner.

That's where my dream ended, me waking suddenly, shaking, feeling alone and empty, knowing that that could never possibly happen.

As you could obviously tell I was quite bored yesterday and today. Not much to do, I thought, "Hey, why don't I expand on the dream?!" So I did. Yay for me for finally doing something productive this week.

I have to go back to school tomorrow, hopefully I'll feel a bit better and be able to wake up by 7.

Peace. :/

Tuesday, May 5, 2009


"I tried to do handstands for you, I tried to do headstands for you. Every time I fell on you, yeah every time I fell. I tried to do handstands for you, but every time I fell for you, I'm permanently black and blue, permanently blue for you."

So far this week has been pretty good, not much has been going on though. I've just been listening to a bunch of music and whatnot.

another quiz:
You Are the Library
You are very intellectual and well read. You tend to be absorbed in your own interests.You can seem a bit standoffish. To be honest, you're not that interested in other people.You are comforted by the things you own. You tend to be a pack rat.It's likely that you have many old possessions that you treasure. You rarely throw anything away.

^These have been getting ridiculously accurate lately. :P

Yes, I am still sick, unfortunately. I want to get out of the house soon or I might go insane. I might just have to fake feeling good tomorrow. (;

Hopefully something exciting and blog-worthy happens this week. :P


Saturday, May 2, 2009

Such Great Heights

"I'm looking at you through the glass; don't know how much time has passed. Oh God, it feels like forever, but no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head." ~Stone Sour, Through Glass

Blech. I'm sick, it's so gross. I don't have Swine Flu, but I have a terrible sore throat, and I can't breathe out of my nose. I didn't go to school yesterday, thankfully. But, because of the Swine Flu, there's no school for next week. And we don't have to make it up, so awesome.

"The only thing worse than a boy who hates you - a boy who loves you." ~The Book Thief.

Also, because of the Swine Flu, we had to move our concert and banquet for orchestra up a week. Which is good, because I still have to find a dress. Oh joy. And we aren't allowed to work at the plant sale this weeked, only our parents could. I wouldn't have been allowed to go anyway, me being sick and all.

"It's like I'm drowning in my own darkness, my own misery. I just want to swim back up to the surface, to finally be able to breathe again. Though I might need some help, I will find someone, one day. I just hope I don't drag them down with me, deeper and deeper into the water.."

I have no idea what I could possibly do next week. Though we are off from school, we're not allowed to leave home. Still fun? Nah, not much. I will be able to sleep though, I am so tired right now. All my dreams have been really clouded, like I have no idea what's happening in them. I can remember having a dream, just not what it's about, it's so frustrating.

"How do you feel? That is the question, but I forget, you don't expect an easy answer. When something like a soul becomes initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes, you can't expect a bit of hope. So while you're outside looking in, describing what you see, remember what you're staring at is me."

Quizzes []:

When you think of love, you think of committing to one person for the rest of your life.In love, you see things how they could be. You are wrapped up in your own dreams.If you are in love, you like to keep it a secret for a while. It feels more special that way.You are patient in love. You are willing to wait for the right person and the right time.

Life has required you to go your own way and do your own thing.You've been taught to rely on yourself. You don't feel comfortable relying on others.You are highly motivated and aggressive. You have no problem getting things done and getting what you want.You feel like you have to look out for yourself, because no one else is.

"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images, and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned. I have to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes, like puzzle pieces from the clay. True, it may seem like a stretch, but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away. When I am missing you to death."

^The song Such Great Heights, was originally done by Iron & Wine, but there is also a cover of it by The Postal Service, both of which are on I reccomend looking them both up, both are very good.

Peace. :/

*EDIT: Everyone thinks that I was the one with swine flu who closed the whole dstrict down. Ugh.*