Monday, March 29, 2010

tears are words the heart can't say

"i want to run away with you to an island.
which means we can't run the whole way,
unless you can breathe underwater,
in which case you'd be some sort of fish or anemone,
and then we wouldn't have the relationship we do now.
but that's neither here nor there.
in summary: an island. you and me. run away. please."

"Why should i give him a second chance?"
"Because I think he's a good item in your life"
"What do you mean by that?"
"I think he's good for you. The fact that you don't get to see him often isn't his fault(as far as I know), and I don't think you should give up too easily on him :)"

Grr. I decided to move on, but my friend has convinced me otherwise. I probably should wait a little bit before I make any stupid, rash decisions. He does make me happy and all...

Boys suck. :P

"If someone can ruin your day by doing nothing and makes you cry your eyes out... maybe theyre not worth it."

Sunday, March 28, 2010

because of you, half the time i don't even know i'm smiling

"the only two places where i feel absolutely safe are either in a bed with fresh, white sheets and pillows surrounding my head or in water. like on the bottom of a swimming pool. alone. weightless. peaceful. nobody talking. nobody pretending. just being. those are the only two places. everywhere else i get smacked in the face with arrogance, ignorance, shallowness. they knock me down and leave me bleeding on the floor."

At 11:11 I always wish for the same thing: to be with him, to hug him, anything that has to do with him. But I've been wasting my wishes and my time. I'm moving on, because I can't imagine anything happen between us anymore. I'm impatient, stubborn. I can't wait anymore. I'm giving up. Everything ends eventually.

She whispers, "I'm afraid of falling."
He smiles, "I'll catch you."
^ I wish he caught me instead of letting me fall on my ass. He said he wound't break my heart. He lied.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

a beautiful lie

"Your defenses were on high, your walls built deep inside. Yeah I'm a selfish bastard, but at least I'm not alone. My intentions never change, what I want still stays the same. And I know what I should do, it's time to set myself on fire."

Thursday and Friday were such awesome days, I wish days like that would happen more often. Like I was completely happy with everything, which I haven't been in so freaking long. We had orchestra pictures on Thursday and him and I talked for most of the period, and we were the last to have our pictures taken so we stayed late to get those done. It was really, really nice.

On Friday we had a surprise birthday party for our orchestra teacher early in the morning, which was amazingly fun. He wasn't there, but I had an amazing time with my best friends. Then during orchestra he was there (it was a half day and we didn't have to be there) but he was sleeping and I didn't want to wake him up. But when the bell almost rang he woke up and we talked for a bit (his eyes were so freaking blue, btw :P ). Then my friend went up behind me and was motioning and mouthing to him to hug me, haha. I asked him later if he understood her, and he did. He said he didn't want to because he didn't know if I really wanted him to (no shit sherlock, of course I want you to, I've told you three times I want you to hug me).

And also since Friday was a half day, me and three of my best friends walked to chik fil a for lunch, then we walked to our friend's house where we looked up YouTube videos, played apples to apples, then played hide and seek in the woods behind her house. It was awesome. :)

On Tuesday we planned to hang out today, but then this morning he texted me and said he couldn't. It's gonna be hard on Monday to repeatedly explain to all my friends that we didn't hang out. Because it did hurt a lot. I really wanted to see him. So that has made the beginning of my weekend suck, especially that all of my other friends are already busy. So I'm going to sit at home like a loser tonight and watch Twilight, haha. It's just I was so excited all week that I'd get to see him again, then I felt like I got crushed. I was hoping to get that hug today, haha. Guess not though. :/

Everyone keeps on saying how that Monday we hung out (which was the first and last time we had) that it was a date. No one understands that it wasn't. It pisses me off that I can't and don't want to explain to anyone everything to make it make sense. Ugh.

"Is this the only evidence that proves it? A photograph of you and I, your reflection I've erased like a thousand burned out yesterdays. Believe me when I say goodbye forever."

So I guess I am going to quote Twilight by saying his mood swings are giving me whiplash. I guess we'll see how next week turns out.

"I need you so much closer."

Sunday, March 21, 2010

well hey, you know you're not alone cause honey, I get lonely too

"Make every door you walk through a living work of art."

Most exciting part of the break? I found out that you can do this to paperclips last night:

[Click for larger image]

It looks like a heart. How freakin adorable :) One day I'm gonna buy a huge box of paper clips and do this to every single one of them. Seriously. :)

I really need to go back to school before I really do go insane...

^I swear, this actually is the best picture ever, I freaking love it. It's really just fun to say "omnomnomagon". Haha, it is. :)

We talked until 3 in the morning last night. Very awesome conversation. We talked about what we should do about our situation, the snow, religion [which we have the exact same view of], and just talked. It was very nice. :) And I'm not confused anymore :) And I'm never gonna talk about guys ever again on here. :) (we'll see about that, haha. But I will try my best, pinky promise!)

And, by the way, it did snow yesterday. I was gonna get a picture but I was like, naahhh, I'll do it later. And when I did decide to it had all melted. :P So yeah, maybe next time, haha.

And, those are the coolest apples. Evar.

Peace. ♥

Saturday, March 20, 2010

"i'll love you even if you're the 982,375,978,614,965,472nd person on earth."

He keeps telling me this. How he doesn't want to hurt me and crap. And how he'd make a "terrible boyfriend" if "we decide to". Ughhh. I just love how much of a roller coaster I've been these past few weeks. I think tonight after he gets off work I'm gonna ask him to give me an answer. Because I'm tired of waiting. But I'm afraid that if I do that then it'll put too much pressure on him then he'll say we shouldn't. I'm thinking if I wait he'll say yes. But I don't want to wait, I've been waiting for too long.

"if you were a song i'd put you on repeat (: "

I think tomorrow I'm gonna try to get out of the house. All of my friends are away or with their boyfriends, so I have nothing to do. I've been looking up a lot of pictures lately, which is why now most of my posts have been filled with them.

[sometimes you gotta quit thinkin so much. if it feels right, it probably is. so just go with it.]

Yeah, spring break has pretty much sucked.

"Now I see clearly it's you I'm looking for, all of my days. So I'll smile, I know I'll feel this loneliness no more all of my days, for I look around me and it seems you found me. And it's coming into sight as the days keep turning into night

Thursday, March 18, 2010

if you could read my mind you’d be in tears.

[if you were a facebook status, i would like you (; ]

I was browsing through my documents on my computer earlier today, and came across a little story-ish thing I wrote about a dream I had awhile ago. If I remember correctly, I think I had it at a friends house, because we were talking about me talking to him about how my friend likes one of his friends. Which I never did because she soon realized she didn't like him. Well, here it is anyway:

"Nice Dream.

It was a dark, rainy day. Or night, I couldn’t tell what time of day it was. I was in the cafeteria with a group of friends from orchestra. One person was missing though, someone who was always with this group. Just as I was wondering about him, he showed up and walked in front of me, passing his friends as he did so. He then left my line of vision, as I didn’t want to stare at him for too long. He then came up right next to me.

“What did I do wrong?” He asked. I had no idea what he was talking about, since he could never do anything wrong.

“What did I do wrong?” It seemed that everything went silent, and everyone was looking at us. “Come with me.” I said, pushing my way through the cafeteria after I grabbed his hand to drag him into the commons.

I then lost him, as if he had just vanished out of thin air. Just gone, with nowhere to be seen. I frantically looked around, and after not spotting him, I found someone else that was usually in our group. He was talking to his other friends, one who was freakishly tall. The one my best friend thought was "uber adorable". I finally decided that this would be the time I would finally talk to him. What’s the point of waiting, honestly? So I slowly walked up to him, feeling the pressure and uneasiness I felt every time I tried this. The only difference this time was I actually had a plan.

I made my way next to him. “Hey.” I said quietly.

“Hello.” He said back, a smile beginning to spread across his face.

Maybe that time I felt confident only because I was doing this for my friend, to help her out. Maybe everything just felt right. But I looked into his eyes, saying “Can I talk to you for a minute?” I didn’t even look at his face while I turned, hoping he would follow. He did, and we started walking towards the edge of the cafeteria. From the point of view of someone looking at us, they would see me, my back towards my friend, him facing her. I was talking using many hand gestures, telling him how my friend liked his best friend, and subtly pointing her out to him. He suddenly walked away to go talk to his friend. His friend then left the group, going over to talk to my friend. I then realized how alone I was, that hoping that when I did this, maybe he would come back and talk to me. But he left with his other friends.

Leaving me alone."

This world doesn't make sense anymore.
It's time to try something new.

So yesterday I texted him. I felt like my head was gonna a splode, and I just felt I had to clear things up with him. And we did. He's just as confused, if not more, than I am. It helped a lot.

happy thought.

i am somebody's reason to smile.
i am somebody's happiness.

Everything really does work out in the end.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

it's crazy how one single day can change your entire life.

"of course i'm in love with you darling."

So Friday I saw Remember Me with two of my best friends. It's one of the first movies in awhile that really made me think. And I even cried a little at the end. Which I absolutely hate doing. Crying shows weakness to me. But that's just how I think. But it was an amazing movie.

Why do I feel like I'm losing you when you're not even mine to lose.

And on Monday when I was hanging out with him we saw Shutter Island [sneaking into a different movie than what you actually bought, ftw]. Which was pretty freaking awesome. Kind of weird, but that's what made it so awesome. Then we walked to Barnes and Noble and talked about music for awhile while in the CD section, then walked around until my parents came to pick me up.

"Maybe my heart didn't skip a beat, and maybe the twinkle in your eye was just the lights reflecting weird, and maybe the feeling in my stomach was that i didnt have enough to eat. And maybe, i just thought i was in love."

I have no other plans during the break. Maybe I'll "go on an adventure" of some sort. Maybe something exciting will happen. I, for some reason doubt that. But maybe, for once, I should just have hope.

And Happy St. Patrick's Day. :P

*edit: 9:26PM
I just realized that I've had my blog for one year and one day. Can't believe it's already been that long. Hopefully it will last for another good year. :)


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Cutie, if it all falls through we can piece it back together, I can learn to trust you too

"Because i'm afraid to break your heart. As it is precious and not meant to be broken."
"Your heart means something to me. I wanna put it in a safe to protect it from harm. It doesn't deserve burden or anything bad."
"You deserve better than that. And don't say you don't because you do. You deserve a nice boy. Someone who will treat you nice. Treat you right."
"I want to remain friends for this reason. You will say otherwise, i'm sure. But i think its best for you. Trust me on this one. I've thought about it for so long."
"You shouldn't be caring for me. As i can take care of myself. I should be putting forth all efforts to take care of you."
"But i don't wanna be that guy you have to watch over and make sure he's okay. Thats not cool with me."

I finally find someone nice, who gave me hope. He proved to me that not all guys are asses, there's still nice guys out in the world. He tells me all this shit, that makes me like him even more, then he's all like "we should just stay friends". What the fuck? Why can't anything ever be perfect for me? He says he doesn't want to hurt me. But he has.

I hung out with him yesterday. It was a lot of fun. Yeah.

That's basically it. Sorry for the lame post.

"You're just too good to lose. And I can't refuse, so don't make me choose between the two. I'm fed up in here, in my atmosphere. Don't you know who you are, you're my shooting star."

Thursday, March 11, 2010

everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down.

"nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer."

I don't know what to do next. He told my friend on facebook that he likes me, but I still can't see how he possibly could. Part of me is saying to just gently let him down so as not to hurt him, then run away screaming at the top of my lungs. But another part is telling me to stick through it. I don't know if I would be able to handle having someone care about me and being concerned if I'm not feeling okay. Maybe even calling me pretty every once in awhile. I don't know how severely I'd freak out if I ever heard that from someone, because no one ever has called me pretty.

My friend had talked to him about me, and he told her I'm an awesome and sweet person, and I'm "one of the good people in this messed up society." And I wasn't happy that he thought this. All I could think about is how the hell could he see a good person in me. All I can see are the negatives. No one ever, ever has liked me as more than a friend. Only creepy guys that I hate. So it's hard for me to think that he's any different.

I don't know whether to listen to my friends and heart or to my head. He's hesitant about starting a relationship. He's only been hurt from previous ones, and I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt him too. I can't hurt him, I can't ever hurt him. He means too much to me. So right now logic is winning.

Maybe I need to love myself first so that I could see that I could be worth something to someone. Or maybe I need someone to tell me these things, so maybe one day I'll be able to believe them myself. I don't know. But I do know I don't want to hurt him, which is why I should be distant. I shouldn't get attached. I can't. I'm not that type of person. I don't even like hugs. Every guy I see is automatically a creeper. [except for him, but he's the only one] I jump at the smallest touch, and I hate anyone touching me. Maybe I'm too broken to ever be fixed up again. There has been only one guy who always made me happy. Too bad he's gone.

But he makes me happy too. So maybe it will turn out differently.

Hmm. Maybe I will turn into a cat lady when I get older. :/

"You spend half of your life trying to fall behind. You're using your headphones to drown out your mind. It was so easy and the words so sweet. You can't remember; you try to move your feet."

Btw, I sat next to him the entire trip during UIL on Tuesday: Bus ride to the high school from our school, then to the restaurant, at the restaurant, and all the way back to the high school. It made me really happy(:

Sunday, March 7, 2010

you make me doodle ♥'s all over my paper

i love [hope the zombies find] you. :P

Back in the beginning of the new year, I remember how everything worked out, and how I just loved life. I don't know where that feeling went.

[I want to say "I wish I never met you" but then I realize the hurt is worth the love you once showed me.]

Is there someone who walked out of your life as quickly as they walked in, someone who helped you through the most painful moment in you life. You attach yourself to them because you can't let them go, and no matter how hard you try, you just can't forget about them. Your best friend is happy when you tell her you haven't talked to him in awhile, and your heart drops and you want to cry. She doesn't understand how happy that person once made you feel. You hate talking to that person, but you can't stand not talking to them.

You wish you could take back the hours you wasted talking to them and every sleepless night. You hope that person is okay but you can never be sure anymore, because you can't even tell when you're okay. You hope that person misses you and thinks about you as often as you think about them. But you think/realize/know that that's probably not true. They probably never cared about you, and was more than happy to let you go. They may not be the same person you knew when you first met, but you still have hope.

*I've had some really crazy dreams about this one guy I used to know. Like really crazy, heart-pounding dreams that you wish could happen in real life. One was really nice. The other time he was brutally murdered right in front of me.*

"If I could give you only one thing in my life, I would give you the ability to see yourself through my eyes. Only then would you realize how special you are to me."

I also wish I could see how he sees me through his eyes. Maybe it would help me understand how he could possibly like me, and maybe I wouldn't feel as confused and lost. Or maybe with the sudden knowledge it would bring me even deeper into a black hole. Or maybe I'd learn something about him that I shouldn't/don't want to know about him or something that would make me see him differently.

[unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade's gonna suck.]

I know soon he's going to want to know more about me, since he's been telling me a lot of stuff about him lately. So I thought I should write down a few things about me. Not stuff I would necessarily tell him, but it might be a good start.
1. I believe in true love. I always tell people otherwise, but I honestly do.
2. I love rainy days.
3. My favorite song at the moment is "Set the Fire to the Third Bar" by Snow Patrol.
4. I am an awful liar.
5. I love taking pictures, but never have anything to take pictures of.
6. I have never been ice skating [but I just went rollerblading yesterday! :)]
7. I love being home alone and being able to blast music as loud as I want to. :)

"I like you.
That's my secret. No hearts. No pretty drawings.
No poems or cryptic messages. I just like you."

Some guy who I know texted me last night and all he said was "I love you". (and no, unfortunately it wasn't "him", haha. :P)

I asked him about it, and all he said was
"My friend stole my phone and texted you something that was true"
And it got me thinkin'.

He doesn't even know me that well. How could he "love" me? We're only in high school. At least say "like" not love. I just don't get why people say that hate is such a strong word, but love is thrown around all the time like it's nothing. Is it because we're told not to hate anyone, but you should be able to get along with everyone? Hmm... even if it was "him" I'm pretty sure if he told me he "loved" me, I would still feel very uneasy.

But anyway I told him the truth. About how there's this other guy who I get along with really well and how I care about him oh so much blahblahblah. I told my bestfriend about it and she wanted to send him a message saying "she's MINE!!!!!!! leave her alone!!!!!" Haha, kind of made my night. :)

And this picture made my day:

"I hang my coat up in the first bar, there is no peace that I've found so far. The laughter penetrates my silence as drunken men find flaws in science. Their words mostly noises, ghosts with just voices. Your words in my memory are like music to me. I'm miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground. I pray that something picks me up and sets me down in your warm arms."


Saturday, March 6, 2010

and I will get lost into your eyes, I know everything will be alright

"I hate that moment when my phone goes off, and I think it's the person I like...but it's not."

I slept over at my best friend's house last night. We watched Where the Wild Things Are and Kung Fu Panda, baked sugar cookies, roasted marshmallows over her stove, roller bladed and attempted to skateboard, and went outside at 10 at night to call the guy she likes to ask him something [he never answered. grrr].

"do I have to scream for you to see me?"

He slept over at his friend's house last night too. He said they talked a lot, just about life and the meanings behind it. And he mentioned they talked about me. And he wouldn't say why. Aaaaahhhh.

"Same. Oh, and if youre talking about the [guy] i think you are, i sit next to him in english lol :P"
"Lol yes ma'am. The very same. We talked about you and he told me you both were in the same class"

Aaaahh! What is that suppose to mean?!?!?! D: He wouldn't explain himself, except that it was
"Good things. Dont you worry."
Loser. (; And I guess this blog is starting to become where I post all the texts from him that make me feel all warm in fuzzy inside, haha.

"If I could just see you, everything would be all right. If I'd see you this darkness would turn to light."

Monday I have to ask this guy I used to like last year ["promise me you won't ever, EVER drive" guy] if he likes one of my friends and "analyze his facial expressions" haha. I'm worried not only because I used to like him, but he's also very intimidating. And, in the minuscule chance he doesn't like her back, I'll have to tell her so. And I don't like being the bearer of bad news.

UIL is Tuesday. Pretty excited about that. And I guess that's it.

Monday, March 1, 2010

can you read my mind?

E = mc² F♭ ♥

So nothing huge happened today, I just felt like making a post. I had no homework, so I was like, why not?

"i wish i knew what he was thinking when he looks at me and smiles."

It took me awhile to realize that today was March 1st. I can't believe how fast this year is going by. Spring Break is only two weeks away, then only about 9 more weeks of school. It seems like it was just New Years Eve, and it's hard to believe that the school year is almost over. I can't wait for summer; sleeping in all day, relaxing, and maybe even being able to hang out with him will be so nice. :) I can't wait! :D

[sometimes a girl just wants to hear that she's beautiful.]

For the orchestra trip this year we're going to San Fransisco! It's sometime in April, and I'll be sure to make a long post about everything that happened. I always love going on trips with the orchestra, every one's just awesome and we always have a fun time no matter where we go or what we're doing.

"there's a difference between being alone and being lonely. without you, i'm both."

I swear, that boy is driving me insane. I just can't get him out of my mind. I smile stupidly every time too, and I jump at my phone whenever I see I got a text. :)

"to the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world."

I just downloaded 4 Opeth cds, I'm gonna go listen to them now. Too da loo kangaroo.

[For the first time, today I looked in the mirror and saw someone who was beautiful. MLIG.]