Sunday, February 28, 2010


"You see I can be myself now finally, in fact there's nothing I can't be; I want the world to see you'll be with me."

I realized that I write much better and much more when I'm either sad or confused. But today I'm actually happy. :) Last night I got everything worked out with him, and my friend had an amazing time at the dance. The guy she asked makes her so happy, which is really good. I also deleted about 700 songs off of iTunes that I didn't like/never listen to/were just plain weird. Today was pretty good. And I've even been posting more often. :)

Laughter [laf-ter]
When a smile has an orgasm.

So last night I had a really weird, crazy dream. He told me he liked me, but I still dreamt about some other guy. It was me, him, one really creepy guy that I know through some friends, and my other loud, obnoxiously hilarious friend [all which are in my gym class]. It was weird, because I used to like that guy, but he has a girlfriend, and it was just weird. Like I can't even describe it weird. Like shouldn't I be dreaming of him? Because he's who I really want. He really is the sweetest guy I know.

"I honestly don't want to hurt you. Not one bit."
"You havent hurt me though"
"But I don't wanna keep you waiting to hang out. Like I seriously wanna hang out with you. Really freakin badly."
"Do you mean everything youve told me? I dont mean this in a mean way, im just really curious"
"I think so. I say that because i'm bad at explaining myself sometimes."
"Just tell me whats on your mind"
"Okay. Like i really like you. I wanna get to know you. Really bad actually."

And then he sent me this, which made my day so much better:
"Hey I'm at work and my phone is probably gonna die. So i just wanted to wish you a great day! :-)"

Yeah. Holy crap. I've finally found someone nice, who actually cares about me. Booyah.

Hmmm.... maybe everything does work out in the end.

rawr. ♥

["& i'm jealous of every girl that has ever hugged him, because for that short second, she held my whole entire world."]

Saturday, February 27, 2010

i want to change the world...instead i sleep. i want to believe in more than you and me.

"a broken heart is like a broken mirror: it is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself trying to fix it."

So I'm confused again, I just don't know what's going on. My head is in circles, I can't think straight. My best friend sent him a message on facebook [without me knowing until he replied] saying how I thought he's been ditching me, but she doesn't take him for that sort of person. How if he doesn't act soon he might lose me, how I'm going back on everything blah.blah.blah. She said everything that was on my mind that I couldn't tell him. [which is why she's my best friend(: also that she ended it with, "if you break her heart I'll break your face" made everything better.]

He said he does like me and would hang out with me in an instant. He just hasn't had time to do so. He said he won't ever hurt me [bullshit.] and is trying to be "careful and cautious in the situation." Which I think means he wants it to work out? Am I right? I'm not sure, he's too confusing. :P He's never straightforward, though I haven't been either, so I guess I can't blame him for it.

Last night he texted me apologizing that he couldn't hang out with me, but he wanted me to know that he wanted to and really wants to get to know me.

I flippin' freaked out when he said that.

I don't know why I did. I thought that this is what I wanted, but I'm so scared. I don't want him to run off like everyone else did, I want him there. I realized I've built a wall around myself, and I don't know yet if I want him to get in. Believe me, he's really nice, and I'm afraid I'm gonna screw him up. But I think I'm more afraid of getting hurt by him. He's the only guy to really care about what I have to say, he doesn't treat me like shit. We're a lot alike. And he likes me back. I care about him, but I still just can't let myself believe that he likes me. It's like I can't comprehend it.

"for every girl with a broken heart: theres a boy with a glue gun ready to put it back together."

Tonight's the night of the Sadie Hawkins Dance. I was going to go see a movie. Not anymore though. Gonna sit at home, watch Twilight, and eat some ice cream. :/

"i'm in love with a boy, manufactured to destroy. so I shall unravel my love, it's like an old red woolen glove."

"but all that I know is i'm breathing, all i can do is keep breathing."

Thursday, February 18, 2010

a plain morning

"By loving me, you are teaching me
how to love myself."

I remember back to only a few months ago, when there were three guys I really cared about: "him"[aka ian], "that dude"[pedro!], and "the other guy"[ :'( ]. I don't know what made me remember this, but I remember saying that I didn't like "him" (the guy from my last post), he was only kind of there, and he was really cute. I think I used to describe him as that "hot emo guy". Holy crap was I wrong. I never would have thought that in the months following, I would be texting him nearly every night, having him tell me he cared about me, and me completely falling for his amazingly sweet personality.

"You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about."

Don't judge a book by its cover. Talk to the person you like; they might surprise you. You never know what might happen next. Don't live with regrets. Live life to its fullest, because you don't know if there will be a tomorrow. Remind everyone you love that you love them, and forgive them for the little, stupid things they might have done; you just don't know when the next time you'll see them will be, or if you will even see them again.

So much can change in 5 months, even in 5 minutes. The choices you make will affect not only you, but also the people who care about you. Know that someone out there cares for you, and everyday is something special. It's the little things that matter. If you were to leave, someone will miss you. You're not worthless; someone thinks the world of you. So don't leave them alone.

"It is a risk to love.
What if it doesn't work out?
Ah, but what if it does."

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

my hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me

"It's crazy, right?
to love someone who's hurt you.
It's even crazier to think that
someone who hurt you loves you."

It's only been one week. And so freaking much has changed.

Saturday night I slept over at one of my friend's house, and him and I started texting. She said it would be a swell idea if I at least "hinted" that I liked him while texting him. He figured it out obviously. I really wasn't too subtle. :P But the amazing thing is that he likes me back, which is a first. We're going to see a movie next weekend, same night as the sadie hawkins dance, haha.

So he likes me. He told me he does, but he also said he doesn't want a relationship right now. I don't get it. If anyone could explain it to me that would be great. I think he just doesn't want to ruin the friendship, which I understand 100%. But I feel that for it to ruin it one of us would have to do something incredibly crazy ass stupid. I don't know, maybe I'm just upset over it. I thought it would be enough to know that he likes me. But now that I know I want more. Is that so wrong? He's the sweetest guy I know. And I think I'm willing to wait. We'll see how that goes though.

So how come when you like someone, they don't like you back. When someone likes you, you don't like them back/they piss you off so easily that you want to kick them in the balls every time they text you "hi :)" [Yes, even the smiley face. Every. fricken. time.] And in the rare occasion, when you both like each other, something has to get in the way to screw it up. I hate it so much. Aaah.

The Outsiders is on right now. Kind of random, yes. But I love that book.

And they just played "No Surprises" by Radiohead on American Idol. Totally made my night.

That's really it, this post was sort of pointless. Oh well, too da loo kangaroo (:

"So won't you kill me, so I die happy?"

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

mockingbirds don't do one thing but make music for us to enjoy

I think that possibly, maybe I’m falling for you...

This is just a conversation one of my friends and I had on facebook. I dont expect anyone to read this, it's pointless. Just crazy drama. I wanted to save it, and couldn't think of a better place than here. So ignore this post if you want to, I wont be offended. :)

"so did you analyze today?"

"when. i mean, he had different faces, but when are you talking?"

"all of them. what were the different faces? decribe each in complete sentences and explain your answer.

1st face: talking, smiling a little, looked happy
2nd face: a little bothered when i walked up XD and then you guys stopped talking."

"HAHA i love it :D
any other faces?"

"3rd face: confused. about what, idk. but he looked as if he was contemplating something."

"when did he make the third face"

"hmmm.... well, it went 1 3 1 2"

"comtemplating before you came up to us? O.o
i wonder what he was thinking"

"hmmm.... well, idk.
well maybe it was a "paying attention" face"

"was it that, or a bored face?
and did he look at me at all when we talked?"

"no. i know bored. lol. he wasnt bored."

"so did he?"

"did he what?"

"look at me at all
like try to make eye contact?"

oh! yeah, like, whenever you were talkng and the occasional glance. nothing too creepy, but he wasnt bored or ignoring you. :)"

"haha 'occasional glance'"


"so he was really bothered when you walked up? XD"

"yeah, i really think he was XD"

"haha aaaaaawwww :D"


"walk up to us again tomorrow, i wanna see it :)"

"lol. okay."

"was it like a mean face, or a like, "well now, here comes the stalker"
and did the face include the eye roll?"

"'well, here comes the stalker" / "darn, now our conversation is over cause it would be weird to try to fill her in'"

"haha so, im assuming from your mad analyzing skills, that he does like talking to me? am i right?"

"yup :)"

"okay, i have one more question"


"okay, two:
1. if you were looking at us in the hall, to some radom stranger, what did it look like?
2. and did you get a vibe from him, like, he WANTED to talk to me?

"like you were either 1) good friends or 2) dating or 3) bf and gf"

"are you just saying that, or do you really mean it?"

"yeah, like he was mad when i came cause he couldnt talk to you, like he only wanted to talk to you, but now he had to include me"

"really? :O

"i really mean it, like if i were a stranger, it would not suprise me that you guys were dating or that you were just friends"

"well we are friends :D"

"yeah. :)
but. you could be more than that"

"maybe maybe :D"

Saturday, February 6, 2010

the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had

"let's commit the perfect crime: i steal your heart & you steal mine"

I love [hope somebody eats] you.

New blog: [click here]

Nothing exciting happening.


"they both fell in love with each other. but neither was brave enough to admit the truth simply because neither was willing to lose their frienship."