Thursday, March 11, 2010

everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down.

"nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer."

I don't know what to do next. He told my friend on facebook that he likes me, but I still can't see how he possibly could. Part of me is saying to just gently let him down so as not to hurt him, then run away screaming at the top of my lungs. But another part is telling me to stick through it. I don't know if I would be able to handle having someone care about me and being concerned if I'm not feeling okay. Maybe even calling me pretty every once in awhile. I don't know how severely I'd freak out if I ever heard that from someone, because no one ever has called me pretty.

My friend had talked to him about me, and he told her I'm an awesome and sweet person, and I'm "one of the good people in this messed up society." And I wasn't happy that he thought this. All I could think about is how the hell could he see a good person in me. All I can see are the negatives. No one ever, ever has liked me as more than a friend. Only creepy guys that I hate. So it's hard for me to think that he's any different.

I don't know whether to listen to my friends and heart or to my head. He's hesitant about starting a relationship. He's only been hurt from previous ones, and I'm afraid that I'm going to hurt him too. I can't hurt him, I can't ever hurt him. He means too much to me. So right now logic is winning.

Maybe I need to love myself first so that I could see that I could be worth something to someone. Or maybe I need someone to tell me these things, so maybe one day I'll be able to believe them myself. I don't know. But I do know I don't want to hurt him, which is why I should be distant. I shouldn't get attached. I can't. I'm not that type of person. I don't even like hugs. Every guy I see is automatically a creeper. [except for him, but he's the only one] I jump at the smallest touch, and I hate anyone touching me. Maybe I'm too broken to ever be fixed up again. There has been only one guy who always made me happy. Too bad he's gone.

But he makes me happy too. So maybe it will turn out differently.

Hmm. Maybe I will turn into a cat lady when I get older. :/

"You spend half of your life trying to fall behind. You're using your headphones to drown out your mind. It was so easy and the words so sweet. You can't remember; you try to move your feet."

Btw, I sat next to him the entire trip during UIL on Tuesday: Bus ride to the high school from our school, then to the restaurant, at the restaurant, and all the way back to the high school. It made me really happy(:


♫♪♥W!nK♥♪♫ said...

The title is so true. All the quotes you post are beautiful!

sakhii•• said...

i agree wid wink....!!