Friday, May 29, 2009

Harrowdown Hill

I just got back from the mall with some friends, came home, and just cried on the bathroom floor. I was done with all of the shit my mom had given me. I knew she hated my best friend, there's no point in hiding it from me anymore, I fucking know it.

While I was crying I had my cell phone with me. I had to turn on "Harrowdown Hill", the only song that can make me feel comfortable. Though it did make me cry even more, it helped me a ton. That song means so much to me, you can't even imagine.

When I was done I looked in the mirror. I didn't even recognize myself. Tears rolling down my face, my eyes an even brighter gold with some blue streaked in them. My face even paler than usually, sinking even more in making me look half dead. I'm not the person I though I'd be, even a half a year ago. I had been beaten, finally reasoning that I should just give up, there's no point in fighting anymore.

I want to run away, but where would I go? So that is not an option.

I guess I just have to put up with the shit for now, at least now I'm gonna fight back, be the total, stubborn bitch that I am. No one should care for me, I'm not worth it. They'll probably leave after using me anyone, just like most people have.

Those are the people my parents want to be friends with, because they don't know the real them. But once I find a real best friend, who actually understands me when I understand her, they have to take that away from me. Just because she went to a mental hospital doesn't mean she's a bad person. They just hate to see me truly happy. They don't know what's best for me, only I do. But they don't even trust me.

Sorry, I'm not gonna comment back tonight, I'm just not up to it, probably tomorrow.


n a t a l i e said...

Oh, I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down :/ I know what its like to have parents that don't approve of your friends.... they were ecstatic when she moved away, and heartbroken when she moved back, and they thought that I didn't even notice. Ha, yeah right. I'm still trying to find one real best friend like what you were talking about, so don't let your parents get to you and keep holding onto that friend :) Hang in there!

Child Hood said...

I'm commenting but I really don't know what to say except I'm sorry but even if I do say those two (or maybe it's three) it does not mean anything.... But I'll say it once more: I'm sorry.

Alyssa said...

hey, i told my mom a little about her. she freaked, more then you know. she is thinking about not letting me see her anymore. i know what your going through, and trust me in time it does get better.