Thursday, June 18, 2009


"Did you know that I love you? Come and lay with me. I love you, and honesty, I love you, you make me feel alive. And I'll love you, until the end of time."

I've decided that I want someone there for me. Tonight I was with my best friend and another friend. It's obvious that he likes her, and I know he has for awhile, since the first grade. I just want to know what it feels like for someone to care about you, because sometimes it feels like no one is here. No one to protect me, like I'm out here all alone.

He cares about her so much, protects her from anything, it's ridiculous.

I know there is no one here I would go out with, and no one I could trust as much as this one guy that I just like soo much. I think he's here for me, but I can never be sure. I want something definite and I know I'll probably never get that from him. I know he's going to leave me soon, but I don't want him too. I don't know if I can handle it. And trying to ignore him is difficult, nearly impossible. I just can't do it. I know once he leaves I won't be myself, that he's gonna take a part of me with him.

But I also feel like I need to like him, more than I want to. No one else is here, and he just gives me a bit of hope that not all guys are bastards, some are nice, and things do work out in the end.

Though my only solution is just to be unhappy for another three years, waiting for someone to come along to find me, because I don't think I want to look anymore. Every guy I like doesn't like me back. And yes, I do want that superpower, where nearly everyone likes you. Even if it hurts in the end, I really don't care. I want to feel that pain. I know how stupid it sounds, but I just don't care. To just take that risk would feel amazing to me.

I know I still have my friends here, and I want to make the best with them. It's just sometimes you want that little bit extra.

^I wrote that last night, I was just so pissed off at that guy, he was acting like such a dick. I did have a great time last night, I took one of the biggest risks ever, doing something my parents told me repeatedly not to. And it felt pretty damn good.

Summer has been pretty good so far, other than last night. I'm not really sure what else to say. I'm still kind of unsure whether to post this or not. I think I might as well.


Alyssa said...

wow, as i read this i realize how similar we are. like you said in the begging on my post. when you said you wanted to feel safe, it reminded me of me, and all the feelings i have today. i know that i have austin, but until i get to know him better i wont feel safe. i wont let myself feel safe with someone until im sure i can. this not make since, but just remember i have been hurt in the past, so i dont trust people quickly. the person that will always be here, lov ya

Alyssa said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
simon n josh said...

I think you are learing a lot from yourself and what you want.

All the best on a great summer.

n a t a l i e said...

I also wish that I had that uncanny ability to just make everyone instantly like you, but I have a feeling that that's not going to happen :P All that we need is ONE good, no, GREAT guy to come along and be the exception from all of the other nasty ones! Hopefully we'll all find that someday...

grace. said...

Gah, i know exactly the kind of thing you mean, when you have two friends, and everything just looks so good with them, and itjust seems unfair it cant be happening to you, it sucks immensly, but dont worry, some day im sure we will all find that guy who is uber-fab. Gah, trust me, it is not always great having everyone fancie you either, it can get to the stage where you are afraid to say anything to them that might lead them on, it gets a wee bit annoying!

Gah, i wish i was better at this adivce thing, none of what i said proberly made any sense, but seriously, i dont want to say 'keep your chin up' or anything superficial and pintless like that, but you know, things will get better love wize.


{by the way, i love angels and airwaves} :)