Sunday, May 22, 2011

you were happy once with me

I've always wanted to see myself from a boy's perspective. To see if I'm really as fat and repulsive as this one guy thinks I am. My self esteem is just so fucked up. I think people make fun of me when they compliment me, I just can't accept it. My automatic reaction is to laugh and deny it. My friends have told me that's what guys do when they like you, that they make fun of you to hide their feelings. But when guys like them, they're told they're beautiful, smart, funny. Sometimes I'll wonder if someone is secretly in love with me, but then I'll think of that guy, and how absurd that would be.


Two of my friends and I went to a park late one night a week or two ago. A couple got out of their car and started walking towards us. They saw us and turned around, and at first we thought they were just going to go back to their car and drive away/the car would start rocking back and forth, but they headed for the woods behind the park. We're just staring at each other wondering if we should leave, but choose to whisper Mean Girls quotes to each other, such as "Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, okay, promise?" and quietly playing the penis game instead. When we started to hear the girl giggling we decided to leave.

The guy in my art class (the one who added me on facebook back in Decemeber) and I started talking recently. He's really nice and easy to talk to. A great person. He's been asking me for advice over facebook message about this girl in our class he really likes. It's sweet how nervous he is. He's absolutely gorgeous and has nothing to worry about. Any girl would be lucky to have him.
I had to sit at his table a week ago with all of his guy friends. It was easily the best day I've had in that class. All of them making fun of him for not having the balls to talk to her and making sex jokes. I get along so much better with guys than with girls. Still forever alone though.
He finally asked her on a date Friday night. He took her out to dinner and a movie. I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 that night, and was extremely surprised to see him there. It was awkward; I'm glad they didn't sit by us. I went with a whole bunch of friends from orchestra, and it was a great movie. Now I just need to watch the first three.

The orchestra banquet was last night. My friend sitting next to me and I were crying during the slide show when we heard this song. I'm going to miss the seniors. It's not going to be the same without them next year. :(
We went to see Priest afterwards. Two friends and I were wearing our dresses from the banquet, and guys kept staring and checking us out. We met up with three of the guys that went to the banquet, but they went home first to change. We were a strange sight to see. It was an amzing movie.

Only three weeks of school left. In a way I don't want it to end because I'm really going to miss the seniors in orchestra. One in particular. I also have to try out for varsity again; everyone does. I'm freaking out. D:


Natalie said...

I always wish I could know how I appear from other people's perspectives! Not just a boy, but anyone really. It's like looking in a reflection of a reflection, and then you look odd. I don't even know.

Whoooaaa, couple giggling in the woods sounds extremely scandalous! Couldn't have been too comfortable... But I'm glad the nice guy got his date in the end! Btw, I really want to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4. I'll have to wait til after finals though.

Jocelyn said...

haha... oh man. Giggling couples. I've been there its awkward on both ends haha. But I totally agree, I wish that I could read minds too. Especially boys, but then the self-esteem that has taken me such a long time to build would be tainted with what other people thought.

Sorry stupid boys are being lammmme thats the worst. I will never forget some things people said about me in high school its taken me 5 years to finally get over it. People can be so rude...

K this is super random but natalies comment made me think of this... I have always wondered what is like to kiss me. Like I wish I could feel what it feels like for the other person to kiss my lips... is that weird? Don't answer that because I know it is. haha.

ANYWAY. Back on subject: good luck with school ending, I LOVE regina, she's amazing.


wassupdoc said...

I'm new to your blog but I love it!

I think it would be cool to see how guys view me! You just never know what goes on in their head, would be such an experience!

I'm also the same, I feel like I click more with guys than I do girls. I have a close group of girl friends but I think I'm more known for just being able to chat with boys, and I always land myself in 'The Friend Zone' but aw well!

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, and you can find me here >>

Kindros said...

Yea, we don't know how to act around the ones we like. It's always awkward times. I'd use awkwardness as a judge as to how much someone likes you. There are exceptions of course, but this is the vast majority.

Should just worry about having fun, no stress. There is plenty of time and other things to stress over in life. :)