you were happy once with me

I've always wanted to see myself from a boy's perspective. To see if I'm really as fat and repulsive as this one guy thinks I am. My self esteem is just so fucked up. I think people make fun of me when they compliment me, I just can't accept it. My automatic reaction is to laugh and deny it. My friends have told me that's what guys do when they like you, that they make fun of you to hide their feelings. But when guys like them, they're told they're beautiful, smart, funny. Sometimes I'll wonder if someone is secretly in love with me, but then I'll think of that guy, and how absurd that would be.

~~~

Two of my friends and I went to a park late one night a week or two ago. A couple got out of their car and started walking towards us. They saw us and turned around, and at first we thought they were just going to go back to their car and drive away/the car would start rocking back and forth, but they headed for the woods behind the park. We're just staring at each other wondering if we should leave, but choose to whisper Mean Girls quotes to each other, such as "Don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die! Don't have sex in the missionary position, don't have sex standing up, just don't do it, okay, promise?" and quietly playing the penis game instead. When we started to hear the girl giggling we decided to leave.

The guy in my art class (the one who added me on facebook back in Decemeber) and I started talking recently. He's really nice and easy to talk to. A great person. He's been asking me for advice over facebook message about this girl in our class he really likes. It's sweet how nervous he is. He's absolutely gorgeous and has nothing to worry about. Any girl would be lucky to have him.
I had to sit at his table a week ago with all of his guy friends. It was easily the best day I've had in that class. All of them making fun of him for not having the balls to talk to her and making sex jokes. I get along so much better with guys than with girls. Still forever alone though.
He finally asked her on a date Friday night. He took her out to dinner and a movie. I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 4 that night, and was extremely surprised to see him there. It was awkward; I'm glad they didn't sit by us. I went with a whole bunch of friends from orchestra, and it was a great movie. Now I just need to watch the first three.

The orchestra banquet was last night. My friend sitting next to me and I were crying during the slide show when we heard this song. I'm going to miss the seniors. It's not going to be the same without them next year. :(
We went to see Priest afterwards. Two friends and I were wearing our dresses from the banquet, and guys kept staring and checking us out. We met up with three of the guys that went to the banquet, but they went home first to change. We were a strange sight to see. It was an amzing movie.

Only three weeks of school left. In a way I don't want it to end because I'm really going to miss the seniors in orchestra. One in particular. I also have to try out for varsity again; everyone does. I'm freaking out. D: